Tears of an Alligator

The Story

I was highly interested in a relatively famous guy who I had had a few synchronicities with. He seemed interested back, but “very busy” and in my parasocial stupor I thought I was doing the right thing by waiting for him (lol). I spent almost 3 years of my life not dating anyone because I genuinely believed he liked me the same way - he turned out to be in a relationship the entire time. The story ended nicely - because he ended up co-writing another one of the songs I initially wrote about him (I wrote an entire album).

But at the time, I found myself really frustrated that he didn’t see me. I felt really invisible, and it hadn’t been the first time I had dated a man with a platform who I felt invisible next to (it also wouldn’t be the last, but that’s another story for another day).

This song was my version of payback - a way of saying “utaniona” (“you will see me” in Kiswahili). I felt that success would be the only thing that would get him to notice me, though it took me many years to realise that’s not how it works. The right people will naturally see you - the wrong ones won’t, no matter how much growth and success you achieve (not to mention that that’s a really poor reason to try to succeed because it means you are only driven by others hurting you - which leads to you subconsciously perpetuating people hurting you so that you can get fuel for success - and on and on it goes).